Rejection, the internal pain it causes

 

I had a special order from a craft show I did in November. It was for a large purple bag. Purple happens to be my favorite color as well as my customer. I put off making it. For several weeks. And I couldn’t figure out why. Then as I was working hard at getting it done before I left for a vacation, I realized why. Rejection. My fear of it. My fear of someone not liking what I made. The fear she would ask for her money back. The fear it wouldn’t be good enough. The fear I wasn’t good enough at sewing. I’ve always been a procrastinator. My. Entire. Life. And now I know why. It has been from a fear of being rejected. By my teachers in school and college. I put off every writing assignment, reading a book, and studying for a test because I was afraid of being rejected. I would take the grade to heart. I would feel bad about myself for that bad grade. Like the grade was a reflection of me. If someone didn’t like something I did or said, that meant they didn’t like me. 

My recent divorce was a result of this fear, too. I would reject him before he rejected me. I have always latched onto anyone that showed me any sort of attention. Which is part of why I’ve been married three times. I’m pretty sure that fear of rejection goes back to my childhood, yes Freud, my mother. She was a wonderful person. She helped others in need. She had three boys early in her marriage. My brothers were like Irish triplets, born within a year of each other. The oldest in August and the other two in September. Then several years later, my sister was born. My mom was happy. She was satisfied. But little did she know, I came along two years later. I never really bonded with my mom because she had her tubes tied after my birth. Back then, she was in the hospital for several days after that type of surgery. So I bonded with my dad. I always felt closer to my dad than my mom. And I never understood why. But in January of the year my mom passed away, she explained all of this to me. She never really apologized for how she treated me growing up but I did find peace and forgave her before she passed away. See, we never got along. I was too much like her and she really didn’t want me. Now, don’t get me wrong, she loved me. I just never felt like I belonged. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in at the family. Hence why I fear rejection. I’m not saying it’s her fault by any means. It is just how I felt and still fear from growing up that way. 

There have been many things through out adulthood that I’ve worked on. And now I’m working on dealing with this fear of rejection. If I’ve learned anything, I'vs learned that I cannot control how others react or behave. Not even my children. I’ve gone through rough times with all three of my adult children. The most recent is my oldest. She has decided to cut me out of her life and that includes my grand children. And I can’t change her mind. I realize that no matter what I do, I will not be able to change her mind. Talk about major rejection. Talk about pain to my core. When a child you brought into the world, loved, taken care of their entire life, chooses to not speak to you or see you, that rips a part of you that is impossible to repair. But I have to remember, that’s her choice. I know I’m not perfect. I’ve never been a perfect mother. I’ve made mistakes and apologized for them. I will never be perfect. And to be expected to be perfect is setting me up for failure. So in order to survive this, I have to realize that this is her choice and I can’t change it. Her rejection of me has to do with her own fear of rejection. I’m afraid I passed that fear on to all three of my children. It just comes out in different ways for each of them. 

So, I get up every day and go about my business. I make plans. I plan trips and vacations. I go to work. I continue to live myself. I sit at home alone watching Christmas Hallmark movies. I read whenever I have time. I sew and make things. I move on with my life. Her rejection will not break me. I am too strong for that. I can only hope and pray that someday, she will find it in her heart to forgive me. Hopefully it will be when I’m still alive and we will have many years together. 

What are you most afraid of?

How do you handle your fear? How have you overcome it?

Talk to you next time!

❤Patti❤