Rejection, the internal pain it causes

 

I had a special order from a craft show I did in November. It was for a large purple bag. Purple happens to be my favorite color as well as my customer. I put off making it. For several weeks. And I couldn’t figure out why. Then as I was working hard at getting it done before I left for a vacation, I realized why. Rejection. My fear of it. My fear of someone not liking what I made. The fear she would ask for her money back. The fear it wouldn’t be good enough. The fear I wasn’t good enough at sewing. I’ve always been a procrastinator. My. Entire. Life. And now I know why. It has been from a fear of being rejected. By my teachers in school and college. I put off every writing assignment, reading a book, and studying for a test because I was afraid of being rejected. I would take the grade to heart. I would feel bad about myself for that bad grade. Like the grade was a reflection of me. If someone didn’t like something I did or said, that meant they didn’t like me. 

My recent divorce was a result of this fear, too. I would reject him before he rejected me. I have always latched onto anyone that showed me any sort of attention. Which is part of why I’ve been married three times. I’m pretty sure that fear of rejection goes back to my childhood, yes Freud, my mother. She was a wonderful person. She helped others in need. She had three boys early in her marriage. My brothers were like Irish triplets, born within a year of each other. The oldest in August and the other two in September. Then several years later, my sister was born. My mom was happy. She was satisfied. But little did she know, I came along two years later. I never really bonded with my mom because she had her tubes tied after my birth. Back then, she was in the hospital for several days after that type of surgery. So I bonded with my dad. I always felt closer to my dad than my mom. And I never understood why. But in January of the year my mom passed away, she explained all of this to me. She never really apologized for how she treated me growing up but I did find peace and forgave her before she passed away. See, we never got along. I was too much like her and she really didn’t want me. Now, don’t get me wrong, she loved me. I just never felt like I belonged. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in at the family. Hence why I fear rejection. I’m not saying it’s her fault by any means. It is just how I felt and still fear from growing up that way. 

There have been many things through out adulthood that I’ve worked on. And now I’m working on dealing with this fear of rejection. If I’ve learned anything, I'vs learned that I cannot control how others react or behave. Not even my children. I’ve gone through rough times with all three of my adult children. The most recent is my oldest. She has decided to cut me out of her life and that includes my grand children. And I can’t change her mind. I realize that no matter what I do, I will not be able to change her mind. Talk about major rejection. Talk about pain to my core. When a child you brought into the world, loved, taken care of their entire life, chooses to not speak to you or see you, that rips a part of you that is impossible to repair. But I have to remember, that’s her choice. I know I’m not perfect. I’ve never been a perfect mother. I’ve made mistakes and apologized for them. I will never be perfect. And to be expected to be perfect is setting me up for failure. So in order to survive this, I have to realize that this is her choice and I can’t change it. Her rejection of me has to do with her own fear of rejection. I’m afraid I passed that fear on to all three of my children. It just comes out in different ways for each of them. 

So, I get up every day and go about my business. I make plans. I plan trips and vacations. I go to work. I continue to live myself. I sit at home alone watching Christmas Hallmark movies. I read whenever I have time. I sew and make things. I move on with my life. Her rejection will not break me. I am too strong for that. I can only hope and pray that someday, she will find it in her heart to forgive me. Hopefully it will be when I’m still alive and we will have many years together. 

What are you most afraid of?

How do you handle your fear? How have you overcome it?

Talk to you next time!

❤Patti❤

Weekend trip, wedding, and lost love

This weekend was a blast!!! You know those friends that you rarely see but pick up where you left off? Those ones you feel comfortable being stupid, silly and ridiculous with? That was this weekend. They are wonderful, real and hilarious! Charles chauffeured us around like a champ and was amazing putting up with our dumb selves! 

Santa, me, Bonnie, Charles and Amanda

Of course I had to make the weekend interesting by forgetting the dress I bought for the wedding....Yes, I do things like this often. When my children were younger I really could not get mad at them for forgetting things for school because that would have been something I would have done! 🙋 So once we arrived in Traverse City, we hit three resale shops for me to find a dress. We finally found one at the Goodwill Store. While I was looking for a sweater or jacket to wear over the short sleeve dress, my friends not only found me a sweater, but necklace and earrings to match. The funny thing is that the Color Street nails I brought to wear matched my outfit perfectly!!! Granted, it wasn't my green velvety dress I ordered off Amazon, but hey, I looked pretty good (if I do say so myself!).

We started off the day of the wedding having lunch at Don's Drive In. We were kind of bummed that they didn't have breakfast. But their food is delicious, so we didn't complain! LOL Food is food, right?!?! Then we walked around and looked in a few shops in Traverse City. After a few hours of walking around and window shopping, we headed back to the hotel to get ready for the wedding.

Me, Bonnie, and Amanda

Amanda, Bonnie and I

I also got a tattoo as well! I love butterflies!! They have been a symbol for me since my first divorce: freedom. I am free once again.

The wedding was beautiful! The bridal party was stunning in there sparkly dresses and navy blue suits. The colors were rose gold and navy blue. The bouquets and boutonnieres were so gorgeous and special! My friend Deb’s daughter got married in Traverse City. It was a perfect destination wedding.

Me, Bonnie and Amanda

Kayla and Sawyer (Bride and groom)

They had a photo booth!! We had so much fun with that!!!

There was a brief moment (like 10 seconds) that I was sad I was there without my husband. Well, I guess I should write my ex-husband as our divorce was final last month. But it is so new that its hard to get used to. A slow song was being played and I was walking off the dance floor. My heart sank as I did so but then I remembered that I'm good. Yes, there are times I wish he was there. But life goes on. I'm happy being on my own. I'm happy with the life I'm living. I love myself enough to want to have peace. So I continue to move on with my life.

And I am already planning my next adventure!

Where have you gone for destination weddings?

Ever been to Traverse City?

How did you move on after a failed relationship?

Talk to you next time!

❤Patti❤

Winter, how do we survived it?

The winter holidays are just around the corner. It makes me sad knowing my children are all grown and living their lives. My older daughter and I are estranged and I have not seen her, my son-in-law or grandchildren since May. My younger daughter is living out of state. And my son is extremely independent and does his own thing 99% of the time! As far as my immediate family, I usually see them on Christmas Eve at my brother's house. Not all of the family, but many come to celebrate together. With Christmas being my favorite holiday, it's hard to be separated from everyone. I am not even sure I will put up my tree this year. It is in the back of my storage unit with a ton of stuff in front of it. Plus, I am planning on heading to Florida for part of the Christmas break. I'm not sure I want to go to the trouble for a few days with the decorations. Not to mention that I struggle after everything is taken down and things are very bland after. It is very depressing for me. I bought a happy light last year and plan on using it once I am back from Florida! I hope it helps with my seasonal depression.

Over the Thanksgiving break, I had the opportunity to fly out and see my younger daughter and her husband. It was so wonderful to be able to talk to my daughter and see my grand puppy! I've missed them both terribly since they moved to Colorado last July. I know it doesn't seem like a long time but before then, my daughter and I had been inseparable. We have done many things together. We used to take a trip every June to the upper part of the lower peninsula of Michigan. We ran many races together, from 5ks to a full marathon. We even used to attend workout classes through our local YMCA along with swimming and biking. There are just many things we both really enjoyed doing together. But as children do, she grew up, got married and started a life of her own. I am extremely proud and happy for her, but I miss her dearly.

I went to see my first musical last weekend! I saw Les Miserables. 

It was AMAZING!!! The music and harmonizing was breathtaking. The many different story lines were intriguing! I just loved every minute of it and didn't want it to end. I had always wanted to see a musical and finally found a friend to go with. She invited her daughter and the three of us went. We have already booked another one and are going to see Six in January! Something to look forward to in the heart of the winter!  I can't believe I waited until I was 51 to start going to musicals. I will be going to many, many more in the years to come!

My friend's daughter is getting married this weekend in Traverse City. I have never been there in the winter and can't wait to see what western Michigan looks like in the winter. I've only been to two other destination weddings, one was my sister's and my second marriage. This will be fun because I am just going to watch rather than be a part of the wedding! I will be able to shop and explore Traverse City with friends. 

How do you feel about the upcoming holidays? 

What is your favorite musical?

Any destination weddings for you?

Looking forward to reading your comments and hearing from you! Talk to you next time!

❤Patti❤

Welcome to my blog!

 Life, what is it really?!?!?! How, why, where, when does life happen? How can we know that we are making the most out of life? What can we do to be happy in life? What is the meaning, true meaning of life? 

These are questions we all have but I have no better answers than you! I can't answer any of those questions most days! Then other days I feel like I'm on the right track and really crushing it. That I really know what I'm doing and what direction I'm going. 

I'm not writing this blog because I have everything figured out. This blog is to share my thoughts and ideas with others. I am hoping that I can help you just as much as you help me. As a teacher, I learn from my students everyday. I learn about the content I teach. I learn about myself. And I learn about my students. They teach me compassion, empathy and joy. 

There are so many parts of our lives. Work, defined by Webster: to fulfill duties regularly for wages or salary. Family, defined by Webster: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children. Love, defined by Webster: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. Friends, defined by Webster: one attached to another by affection or esteem. Hobby, defined by Webster: a pursuit outside one's regular occupation engaged in especially for relaxation. And many more parts that make up our lives. This blog is to share events, ask you questions, hopefully bring joy and maybe even touch lives, yours and mine!

But full disclosure, I have no idea what I'm doing. In life. At work. In love. Regarding my family. In my hobbies. Not a clue. I love fiercely and fight even fiercer. I'm strong. I'm weak. I'm scared of many things but also fearless. 

I have three beautiful and amazing children. I have been blessed with two grandchildren. I am single and work full time as a STEAM teacher. I have always enjoyed exercise, running, biking, swimming, hiking and backpacking, HIIT workouts and the like. But I'm not a big fan of weight lifting. But more about that later! Over a year ago I began sewing and doing many other sorts of crafts. Our local libraries have so many programs available that I've started to learn how to paint (thanks to a wonderful instructor, she makes me look good!!!). Because of these programs, I have learned to do many different things, such as painting, cross stitch and embroidery, crocheting (although I have done this in the past), and diamond art. I do my best to continue to learn new things and broaden my horizons.

This blog is to share my thoughts, ideas and life with all of you. I look forward to writing my next blog post and hearing from you.

So what is it about your life you would like to explore? Have you read a good self-help book recently? Feel free to share with me and my readers!

Continue learning and if you can be anything, be kind.

❤Patti❤